by Gwendolyn J. Bean
...By the next night, Solene was short-tempered, angry at all the little things – a spilled cup, the mosquito bite on her wrist, the small rip in the arm of her shirt. After almost a week of travelling, they were both tired, scared, and just barely holding it together.
When they finally arrived at the waterfall, they should have felt relief, but Solene’s anxiety was too high to be calmed by the falls. They spent hours looking up at the water dripping off the ledge thirty feet up. Solene remembered the thundering roar of water hitting the rocks when she had been there before. It had been so loud, so powerful, that it had scared her as a child. She knew the water wasn’t always like that, that there was a natural rhythm to its flows, but she couldn’t help but worry at the small trickle that fell over the edge.
Zee asked her what happened now, and Solene looked perplexed.
“I don’t know,” she said quietly, trying not to cry or scream.
“What did you do last time?” Zee asked.
“Nothing,” Solene said, staring at the water. “We just camped. We cooked, we told stories, we danced. Same as home.”
Solene looked at Zee, willing it to be enough.
“Ok, then that’s what we’ll do.”
The next night, as they sat beside the fire at the bottom of the falls, after cooking and telling stories and dancing, Solene asked if Zee wanted to practice again. Zee looked at her, nervous, but needing to finally say it out loud. They had practiced so many times and they weren’t getting any closer. “No, let’s just focus on you –”
Solene jumped up, her eyes flashing with anger. “What good is that?!? I don’t need help!” she said, her voice quivering. “I’ve been focusing my whole life! I’m not the one who’s not supposed to be here!”
Zee looked away from her. Solene had finally said the thing.
"Well?” Solene cried, knowing she was being brutal and irrational, knowing it was as much her fault as Zee’s, more. But all of her fear came spilling out, and she couldn’t stop herself. She watched her rage from the outside, watched her face turn red and blotchy, her mouth twisting into awful shapes and her eyes flashing. She watched her fists get tighter, nails digging into her palms.
When she had said everything she could, when there was no more rage left inside her, she stopped. And just stared at Zee.
Zee hadn’t said a word.
Finally, Zee looked up at her and spoke, softly but firmly. “I am sorry I am not like you, and I am trying. But I am not sorry I came with you. I am supposed to be here. You couldn’t have gone alone. If anything had happened to you –” Her voice caught. She couldn’t bring herself to say the words, to say the whole camp would be lost, that she would be lost without Solene. Zee couldn’t bare to think about what would happen to them all.
Solene’s anger dissolved.
She sank down beside the fire.
“I’m sorry, Zee, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, burying her face in Zee’s shoulder. “I’m just – I don’t know what to ... what if it’s not enough, just me? What if you’re right, and I can’t do it on my own, but I can’t do it with someone who’s not like me … and then …?”
Zee put her arm around her. “I know, Sol …”
The next few days were quiet. There was no more anger left between them, but they were still scared. All they could do was wait. They hiked around the area, exploring, climbing to the top and looking down, then climbing back to the bottom and looking up. They added to their campsite, building a more private privy, a grill for the fire, and tools for hunting. Days passed in silence.
Zee tried to distract Solene with kisses and massages and all the little things that could normally get her attention. But each time Solene pushed her away, saying she needed to focus. When Zee joked that Solene had never been focused in her life, Solene looked hurt and then grew even more quiet, even more unfocused, trying to think of only the rain and failing. She meditated on it, staring intently at the sky. She stopped eating. She drank water only from the waterfall and waited, willing the rain to happen.
But nothing changed.
Each day, the sky was cloudless and sunny. And at night, the sky danced with stars, no chance of rain. Solene sat each day and each night, waiting, growing more and more desperate.
“Solene, please…” begged Zee. “Let me help you.”
But Solene sat steadfast, look up at the sky and pursing her lips hard to keep from crying. “I can’t,” was all she managed to say. Zee sat down beside her, and together they sat staring up at the sky.
[to be continued...]
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